Fear vs. Authenticity

I’ve always admired people who stood their ground; people who knew what they wanted, did not want, and how to voice it.

I was like that, sort of. However, the responses to my awkward nature quickly taught me how to be less vocal. In result, I became less sure. I wanted so desperately to be real, to find confidence in the ways I’d seen others be. I attempted to combat my uncertainty with outbursts or jumping into things. I thought I was facing fear but, as I matured, I realized I was still operating out of it.

I didn’t think others would listen or assumed they would misunderstand me so I feared speaking. I’ve been fearful of being judged for not behaving a certain way. Then, I feared  being judged for what I’d force myself to do. I began shutting down as I became a wreck wreaking of anxiety and depression which only exacerbated my social awkwardness.

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I started noticing myself in others; that fear of being true. I judged them for that because of my own shame. I eventually learned from the Map of the Scale of Consciousness that shame, guilt, hate and anxiety were are derivatives of fear. Then I realized a pattern.

Growing up, quite a few people I tried to model myself after were operating in the same fashion as I was, they were just more smooth about it. They were often proud of their fear or trying mask it with outbursts, jumping into things or shutting down. I was mistaken in taking this for bold authenticity. I found that authenticity is actually on the other side of fear. Upon this realization, I decided to make a change – which was by no means an easy one.

The earliest stages of becoming self-aware were painful. Retrospection was cringe-worthy and the way in which I evolved was not received well by everyone. In fact, on the road to fearlessness – a road I still travel – I find that I’m constantly challenged on my ability to stand alone. Standing up to this test is how I discovered and redefined authenticity for myself:

Loving myself enough to fearlessly be true in each moment.

Namaste.

Brown Skin, Conscious Mind

I believe we are all a part of one collective consciousness; a Source spirit from which we all derive. Our human circumstances play out in a way that addresses something we need to learn and overcome to further ascend. Without a human experience, we do not know suffering and therefore cannot grow as spiritual beings. On my path towards ascension, I began to realize just how unimportant race is in the overall grand scheme.

We are essentially all the same. Not even in traditional church is there talk of a colored section in heaven nor hell. This revelation was quite liberating when I first came to it, then I began to struggle again with a lingering thought. As a person of color, how can I live in this truth while also standing in the truth of my human heritage?

Even in my awareness of race being only an illusion developed by human ego, it often pulls at me like a tether that will not allow me to reach the next step towards ascension. It is not so simple to push aside when faced with the everyday obstacles and debates around racial prejudice.  However, I also realize how it has strengthened me and connected to me a rich culture of beings that excel in perseverance. So what can one do with all of this?

As for me, I live each day at a time. I follow my heart and I learn what there is to know. I  act wisely and protect my energy from unnecessary and destructive banter as best I can. I meditate on my the Inner Most and remind myself that I am an amazing being. I just consider my blackness as a boss level in this life game that I am certain I will conquer.