Awkward Aries: Misunderstood

It took me a long to realize why I find myself to be so awkward but I eventually boiled it down to one word: Fear. I experience fear all the time. As much as I love to jump into things, I fear of making the wrong choices because once I do I’ll feel obligated to run with it. As a semi-perfectionist, I fear that I will fail as a leader and put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best. I fear that my honesty will unintentionally hurt others and my truth will be misunderstood as hateful criticism. I fear opening up and having my concerns and beliefs take for petty complaints (yes, I have actually experienced these). I’ve been told my problems would be solved if I care less but I’m not entirely sure how to do that without not caring at all.

I get what they mean. When one cares too much, cares turns into concern which breeds anxiety around whatever it is an individual cares about. That anxiety is the root of the fear I experience. In constant conflict with who I am naturally, as a person, a woman, and an individual born atop the zodiac calendar, there is a constant struggle in deciphering when it’s okay to exert energy and when it’s time to fall back. Unfortunately, as a fire sign already prone to extremes, my exertion is sometimes taken as overly aggressive and my withdrawal is often mistook for being uppity – a rock and hard place.

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Honestly, I’ve gotten a bit used to it in my casual social circumstances but it is particularly frustrating in professional settings in which it’s imperative people understand you as you mean them to. As of now, I find it best to be perceived as mostly quiet but a go-getter in my performance. It’s a bit harder to make friends out of co-workers this way but I do okay to get along. I’ve accepted it.

Even more, I’ve accepted that I will always be at risk of being misunderstood. I’m complicated and I do not expect less complex people to relate to me. I never expect to be popular. I don’t even expect to be well-liked. I just make certain to show the respect I want from others because the truth is I don’t always understand other people either. Coming to this realization about myself, I also see that everyone must feel this way at one point or another – even the less awkward, well-liked, popular people.

I figure the more comfortable I am with me, the more likely I will attract others like me. In time, I hope to build a tribe of other complex-minded, mistaken individuals who are hoping to find spaces in which they are allowed to be vulnerable. If you are out there, just know you are not alone.

Awkward Aries: Tripping Over My Horns

Aries is represented by the headstrong ram who is fearless in her endeavors. Right or wrong, the ram makes a choice and runs with it. This trait makes us awesome leaders and some of the realest people you’ll ever know. I imagine the smooth and fully self-realized Aries is strong in their resolve. They say what they mean and mean what they say regardless of how it comes out. They bask in unconditional self-love and effortlessly cut the fat from their lives be it in the form or people, memories, materials and so forth.

As a child, I recall being less concerned about how I was received as long as I felt I was right. Sure, I was unrefined but I was bold about being me. Somewhere down life’s road, I became over-conditioned to accommodate. The conflict lied in my desire to contribute to the happiness of others’ while wanting a slice of happiness for myself. Being an oddball, the requirements of my joy were not always received well, so I learned to settle.

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The solution is quite obviously finding balance but fire signs tend to naturally lean towards extremes. Smothered by expectation, emotions ran wild – positive or negative -and this often left me wounded or looking foolish in one way or another. Exerting too much of my will led to escalated events blowing up in my face. Falling back turned me into a doormat. I was challenged with be always being perceived as either too abrasive or totally recluse. I’ve paid a huge price for growth.

Although I strive for excellence, I’m nowhere near perfection. I’m hardly ever the smoothest character in a room but I’m loving and honest. I have selfish tendencies but I’m loving and considerate. Achieving balance is an on-going challenge but authenticity is key. So is self-acceptance – even when I trip over my own horns.

Awkward Aries

Typically, Aries are considered dominant personalities. They know how to get things going. They’re often considered fearless and even selfish. The women in particular are very sure of what they want and know how to ask for it if not demand it. They are sexually secure and overall adventurous. I, as an Aries woman, am all of that and none of that at the same damn time.

I’m also guilty of declaring desires and frustrations without pause, only to say “I mean, I guess” in the very next moments. I trip over flat surfaces. I’ve stuttered even while talking to myself. I sometimes accidentally laugh during sad moments and am the last to catch a joke. I also struggle with being sexy and serious simultaneously. Essentially, I am the main character of the HBO show Insecure (to an extent).

I’m pretty positive that I’m not the only conundrum out there in the Aries community; hence the creation of this series. Also, this is not necessarily limited for the enjoyment of my fellow Aries folk but for anyone who has ever felt like the walking poster child for a “WTF” meme. May all awkward peoples unite!

Namaste.