Embrace the Anomaly

Sometimes I feel like a bit of an anomaly and this would stir up loads of anxiety for me. I do not have any one way of being. In my purest authenticity, I am many ways of being. Without the complexity of schizophrenia, I do feel as though I am a variety of personalities in one body; however, how could such a busy body (see what I did there?) find it’s place in world obsessed with categorizing?

Where could I possibly fit it?

I can be just as aggressive as I am passive. At any time, while in a group setting, I can be the wallflower/observer but also contribute to conversation and festivities (although I am likely to be more conservative around people that I don’t know all that well).

I am quite capable of being compassionate all the while very vindictive. I can care for individuals very deeply and yet, am happy to know when karma has taught its hard lessons to whom I believe may be deserving.

I am a lover and fighter; a giver and receiver; a disciplinarian and a comforter. And, although these labels describe me, none fully define me. No one, not even myself, could place me into a box I would truly fit in. But who needs a container.

Over time, I’ve realized that, regardless of my characteristics, I need only to define myself for myself. As long as I am content with who my Self is, there is no other necessity.

Awkward Aries: Tripping Over My Horns

Aries is represented by the headstrong ram who is fearless in her endeavors. Right or wrong, the ram makes a choice and runs with it. This trait makes us awesome leaders and some of the realest people you’ll ever know. I imagine the smooth and fully self-realized Aries is strong in their resolve. They say what they mean and mean what they say regardless of how it comes out. They bask in unconditional self-love and effortlessly cut the fat from their lives be it in the form or people, memories, materials and so forth.

As a child, I recall being less concerned about how I was received as long as I felt I was right. Sure, I was unrefined but I was bold about being me. Somewhere down life’s road, I became over-conditioned to accommodate. The conflict lied in my desire to contribute to the happiness of others’ while wanting a slice of happiness for myself. Being an oddball, the requirements of my joy were not always received well, so I learned to settle.

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The solution is quite obviously finding balance but fire signs tend to naturally lean towards extremes. Smothered by expectation, emotions ran wild – positive or negative -and this often left me wounded or looking foolish in one way or another. Exerting too much of my will led to escalated events blowing up in my face. Falling back turned me into a doormat. I was challenged with be always being perceived as either too abrasive or totally recluse. I’ve paid a huge price for growth.

Although I strive for excellence, I’m nowhere near perfection. I’m hardly ever the smoothest character in a room but I’m loving and honest. I have selfish tendencies but I’m loving and considerate. Achieving balance is an on-going challenge but authenticity is key. So is self-acceptance – even when I trip over my own horns.

Fear vs. Authenticity

I’ve always admired people who stood their ground; people who knew what they wanted, did not want, and how to voice it.

I was like that, sort of. However, the responses to my awkward nature quickly taught me how to be less vocal. In result, I became less sure. I wanted so desperately to be real, to find confidence in the ways I’d seen others be. I attempted to combat my uncertainty with outbursts or jumping into things. I thought I was facing fear but, as I matured, I realized I was still operating out of it.

I didn’t think others would listen or assumed they would misunderstand me so I feared speaking. I’ve been fearful of being judged for not behaving a certain way. Then, I feared  being judged for what I’d force myself to do. I began shutting down as I became a wreck wreaking of anxiety and depression which only exacerbated my social awkwardness.

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I started noticing myself in others; that fear of being true. I judged them for that because of my own shame. I eventually learned from the Map of the Scale of Consciousness that shame, guilt, hate and anxiety were are derivatives of fear. Then I realized a pattern.

Growing up, quite a few people I tried to model myself after were operating in the same fashion as I was, they were just more smooth about it. They were often proud of their fear or trying mask it with outbursts, jumping into things or shutting down. I was mistaken in taking this for bold authenticity. I found that authenticity is actually on the other side of fear. Upon this realization, I decided to make a change – which was by no means an easy one.

The earliest stages of becoming self-aware were painful. Retrospection was cringe-worthy and the way in which I evolved was not received well by everyone. In fact, on the road to fearlessness – a road I still travel – I find that I’m constantly challenged on my ability to stand alone. Standing up to this test is how I discovered and redefined authenticity for myself:

Loving myself enough to fearlessly be true in each moment.

Namaste.