For years I’ve been consciously working to heal myself from a primarily natural and holistic approach. I’d like to think progress was made as I’ve certainly done my best to live in spiritual flow and embrace life as it comes. Still, I couldn’t help but notice significant periods in which I felt I couldn’t maintain it for long. I would backslide into major anxiety and/or depression, put tons of effort into regaining some healing and peace before life would undercut me once more. Intellectually, I understood there were tough experiences to be had in order to learn some important lessons. Energetically, however, I was stuck. Stuck in fear, confusion and resentment that seemed to grow back stronger with each attempt to bring them to their end. I knew I was in need of something immersive and almost drastic but safe. To my heart’s joy, I found exactly what I was looking for in my first psilocybin trip.
On a Saturday evening, I created a safe and pleasant space for myself with the help of my husband. From comfortable clothing and good snacks to a ready playlist and movie choice, I did my best to cover all the basis. The toughest part was preparing my mind. I did all the research I could do to know what to expect. The psychedelic known as psilocybin breaks down in the body into a chemical named psilocin which attaches itself to our serotonin receptors, preventing reuptake. This usually leads to sense-altering effects such visual hallucinations, intensified sensation and spiritual epiphanies. This is exactly what happened for me.
I humbly admit I was a pile of nerves going in. Even after taking the plunge of actually ingesting the ‘shrooms, I couldn’t seem to shake my anxiety. I tried to relax at the beginning, hiding the frustration with my G.A.D.. As the effects gradually took hold, the anxiety grew, or it became harder to ignore rather. My nerves were slightly shaking as I realized my perception was changing but I remained as calm as possible. Recalling what I had read about people having bad trips and panic attacks filled with terrifying paranoia, I decided that wasn’t the experience I wanted. So, I reminded myself of the mantra meditation I did prior that evening; repeating in my mind, “I am joy. I am love. Surrender to the moment and I’ll be fine.” Before I knew it, that’s where I found myself. In glorious surrender.
I felt a sense of gratitude come over me as the high sunk in but the nervousness continued to weigh heavy on my chest and solar plexus. I started to talk about it out loud with my husband. He let me ramble about my thoughts and feelings for a while and before I knew it a wave of truth was pouring out of me along with a pool of tears interluded with bouts of laughter. I felt like a ketchup packet being emptied of its contents with a relieving squeeze. The anxiety was dissolving. My shame was diminishing. Suddenly, I felt an unbelievable love and acceptance in myself like I had never done before. In that moment, I began to feel the joy I had been praying, meditating and working so hard for. I felt liberation.
Inanimate objects seemed to shift. The walls and ceiling seemed to breathe. I saw colorful faces of African art staring at me from the spinning ceiling fan. Movement had an echo and beauty took on new meaning. I wasn’t anxious, afraid or confused anymore. I was whole. I shared a night with my husband that felt like old college days. Dr. Strange made it’s way to my top Marvel movie list. I was patient, considerate, and forthcoming without effort. I knew what I wanted and didn’t want clearly and how to express it. I felt no tension or pain in my body. I didn’t care of anyone’s opinion, including my own. Trivial things no longer mattered. I was in a space of true love.
I happily conclude that it’s an experience I’d be more than willing to have again with hopes of realizing even more of who I am and the truth of all there is. While I’d like to think it could be an experience for everyone at some point in their life, it very well may not be and it is certain that everyone will not be ready right away. Post-trip, I came to figure that those who’ve had a bad experiences with mushrooms went in unprepared, with deep-seated inner turmoil or at least with too much negativity in the forefront of their heart-mind. Although still somewhat controversial, under proper guidance and supervision, I think those cases can mostly be averted and instead be positively enlightening. Ultimately, though, everyone is different and the choice is up to each individual. For those who decide to try it, may your trips pleasantly expand your consciousness as it did mine.